Social anxiety can make everyday interactions feel overwhelming, especially when faced with the fear of judgment and criticism, which is the core of social anxiety. This toolkit will equip you with techniques and scripts rooted in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help you confidently navigate these situations.

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Section 1: Understanding Judgment and Criticism

- What is Judgment?

Judgment is often based on perceptions and can stem from our thoughts or assumptions of others' thoughts. Recognizing that judgments are subjective can help reduce their power over you.

There are also two variations of judgments: criticism and evaluation. Criticism is an experience of shame, shifting responsibilities, and blaming ourselves. Evaluation is an experience where we look for areas of growth.

- The Impact of Criticism  

Criticism can trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame. Understanding that everyone faces criticism can help normalize your experience. It can also be an essential tool to begin to see where your fears originate from. The inverse shows you what you value, and we can develop skills to shift into a mental filter and rephrase criticism to be evaluative.

"This blog post isn't helpful." Ouch. "That hurts because my value is to be helpful."

-The Impact of Evaluation

Developing an evaluation mindset helps us see that the other person may not intend to hurt us even when criticizing us. They may have chosen a poor word choice that sent your brain down the shame spiral. Oopsie, no harm was intended. So, we are now tasked with responding to this information instead of letting anxiety react for us. Evaluation helps us filter out shame and accept useful information to grow. Adopt a curious attitude when evaluating.

"I wonder what would have made this post more helpful."

Important distinction: criticism is a reaction, and evaluation is a response.

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Section 2: Core ACT Principles

- Acceptance

Allow yourself to feel anxious without trying to avoid or suppress those feelings. Acknowledge that anxiety is a natural response, which means you care and are human. To supplement acceptance, add self-compassion, which is the awareness that this moment sucks, and there's valuable information to learn from. Acceptance without learning is rumination and increases anxiety and depression.

"I notice I'm having thoughts that reflect I'm feeling worried if they like me."

- Cognitive Defusion  

Learn to observe your thoughts without getting entangled in them. This helps you see thoughts as just words rather than truths. To supplement cognitive defusion, add grounding, which uses the senses we can access and describes what we notice. Grounding is similar to mindfulness, except with mindfulness, we adopt a nonjudgmental attitude.

"I notice my thoughts coming and going. I also notice my feet pressed inside my shoes. I notice the chair I'm sitting on is cool to the touch. I notice I hear other people talking."

- Values Clarification  

Identify what truly matters to you in social interactions. Focusing on your values can guide your behavior despite anxiety. To supplement values, add perspective-taking, which involves looking at ourselves from a distance to see how these values support us.

"I value connection with people I care about. I can always be more connected, so today, I'll try asking more questions that reflect what I'm hearing them talk about."

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Section 3: Techniques for Handling Judgment and Criticism

1. Mindful Awareness

- Technique: Practice being present in the moment. Focus on your breath or the sensations in your body when you start to feel judged.

- Script: "I notice my heart is racing, and that's okay. I can breathe through this. This feeling will pass."

2. Cognitive Defusion Exercises

- Technique: When you notice negative thoughts about being judged, distance yourself from them.

- Script: "I am having the thought that I am being judged. This thought does not define me. I notice this thought is connected to wanting to be (insert opposite of judgment)."

3. Values-Based Decision

- Technique: Before entering a social situation, remind yourself of your values and what you hope to achieve.

- Script: "I want to connect with others. I will be most connected with others when I stay in the present moment, listen, and be true to myself, regardless of what others might think."

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Section 4: Responding to Criticism

1. Pause and Reflect

- Technique: Take a moment before responding to criticism. This can prevent being reactive.

- Script: "Thank you for your feedback. I need a moment to think about that."

2. Using 'I' Statements

- Technique: When responding to criticism with someone safe, express your feelings without being defensive.

- Script: "I feel hurt by that comment and feel compelled not to be myself in response."

3. Seeking Clarification

- Technique: Ask for specific feedback if criticism feels vague or unfair.

- Script: "I'm feeling judged. Can you help me understand what you meant by saying "____"?"

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Section 5: Building Confidence

- Practice Makes Progress: Gradually expose yourself to social situations. Start small and build your way up. You can create a list from 0-10 increasing in difficulty. Start where you're confident and slowly build up through committed action.

- Let the good sink in: We benefit from practicing awareness of good moments to feel better. Your brain, much like everyone, is wired for survival. That means we naturally tend to be aware of criticisms that feel like threats to our social survival.

Imagine an old scale with weights on each side. If you only allow the negative to sink in, the balance will be heavily leaning toward the world being negative. If you begin to let the positive in, it'll take a while to balance out the scale. So, stay consistent, and over time, the scale will balance.

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Conclusion

Navigating social situations can be challenging, but with the tools in this ACT toolkit, you can manage feelings of judgment and criticism more effectively. Remember, the goal is not to eliminate anxiety. Instead, it's to cultivate the life you want based on how you engage with your values despite the anxiety.

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Additional Resources

- Books on ACT:

  - "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris

  - "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Dummies" by Jason Luoma and Steven Hayes, PhD

- "A Liberated Mind" by Steven Hayes, PhD

- Online Support Groups: Look for forums or local groups focused on social anxiety to connect with others experiencing similar challenges.

Many people begin with individual therapy to fine-tune the skills necessary for successful group work. Consider using Google, Psychology Today, to start researching therapists in your area that can help.

If you're wondering about how to begin working with me, start by requesting your free 15-minute strategy call.