From Comparison to Compassion: An ACT Approach to Self-Acceptance

Social comparison is a deeply ingrained human behavior. Whether scrolling through social media, interacting with colleagues, or catching up with friends, we tend to measure ourselves against others. Most of the time, we don't intend to compare. It's our social survival-oriented brain that's in control when comparison happens. While this tendency can sometimes motivate us to grow, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, or even depression. The impact of social comparison can be particularly harsh in today's hyper-connected world, where we constantly see curated versions of others' lives.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a modern form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, offers a unique approach to managing the negative effects of social comparison. ACT encourages individuals to accept their thoughts and feelings without judgment and to commit to actions aligned with their values, irrespective of their internal experiences. Let's explore how ACT principles can be applied to overcome the pitfalls of social comparison.

The Nature of Social Comparison

Social comparison theory, developed by Leon Festinger in 1954, posits that people evaluate their own worth, abilities, and success by comparing themselves to others. While this behavior is natural and sometimes helpful, it can become problematic when it fosters self-doubt, low self-esteem, or a distorted sense of reality.

In the age of social media, these comparisons are often with unrealistic standards, leading to frustration, envy, and a sense of inadequacy. Constant exposure to the highlight reels of others' lives makes us prone to overestimate the successes of others while underestimating our own worth, which can lead to emotional struggles, self-critical thoughts, and a lack of fulfillment.

The Three Paths

Typically, I hear people remind me, with the intent to help, that "comparison is the thief of joy." Well, that's sweet. So, what if I'm not intending to compare? I didn't choose this sometimes, you know?

In an ideal world, we learn to run our own race. Let's talk about where you are presently and learn how to retrain your brain on a new path; much like how water carves its path through stone over time and repetition, a new path can be carved with the same consistency. Let's work on carving a new path, a new neural pathway in our brain, so when we knee-jerk into social comparison, we can work our way through it and refocus our attention where we can effect change on what's in our control.

Pathway one: your current path.

Especially if you're experiencing social anxiety, when you compare yourself, you do so with a pathway toward shame. I remember getting on social media, and within just a few scrolls, I'd run into someone's wonderful smile, an accomplishment that I quickly became envious of, or someone looking happy with other people when, in my head, that seemed so far away.

Shame is a feeling of not being good enough. It also is an emotional reaction rather than a logical conclusion. When your brain first goes down this path, remember to separate yourself from your thoughts and see them as firing neural connections that are not immediately in your control, yet these are real, and your feelings are real. However, it's not an accurate picture of life. Let's work toward the second path now.

If you’re feeling stuck on this path and want to explore counseling, begin by requesting a FREE 15-minute phone or email strategy session.

Second Path: The First New Step

Since our brains are just doing what they think will help us survive, let's start recognizing shame and flipping it around. What shame is really saying is that you desire connection, yet you feel a threat to being connected. When you can label shame as shame, you begin practicing self-compassion. Compassion is noticing others are suffering, and it's okay to see when you're suffering. It hurts to feel emotionally stunted or like to feel like an outsider. Fortunately, not all feelings are facts.

This pathway is not the final destination in your journey to a new relationship with social comparison. However, it is vital to the carving of a new path. When water first leaves it's old route, it searches for a new destination. That can take time to find a new way, so for now, let's sit with and take care of ourselves. Sometimes it can feel like we are still struggling with the same social anxiety as our teenage selves. That pathway is well-worn, so let's take a pause and notice each time we are socially comparing with shame and switch to the second path, compare with self-compassion.

The Third Pathway: Finding Motivation

I notice I will socially compare in each direction, sometimes with people's success that's greater than mine, and other times with people's success that I've already achieved. Yet each time, I notice the process unfolding in the steps below helps me regain focus on what really matters. Before I share this, I want to reflect on how I remember believing, "I wish I could just think positively" or "I wish I could do what I want." In this path, though, we are going to rewire and reinforce that we CAN do what we want and think positively; they just may have to be choices and responses instead of immediate reactions. Just because it's not easy or natural doesn't mean it's not possible or worthwhile.

When you notice your brain recognizing shame, practice self-compassion, then take another step and challenge your belief that there is a threat to connection. I know this will be challenging the first several times you practice. However, if you can see that someone else has found a connection in a way you want to, that means it's possible. Not easy, possible.

On this pathway, we are going to intentionally create thoughts of inspiration. We start by identifying that we are not that other person. We have our own history and story. We may or may not share the same struggles or natural talents. Yet, let's find some common ground. Ask yourself, what about this is inspiring?

I remember first learning about shame from Brené Brown. I quickly compared myself to Dr. Brown, reflecting my lack of elite education and research ability. She seemed so fluid in her vulnerability. Her Best-Selling books separated me from how I could become connected with helping people the same way she is.

Then, I realized that while I may never work at UT Austin or have the education or research background she does, we are different people. At this moment (present moment pivot), I have not written several books to hone my writing skills and reach bestseller status. I have not completed my doctorate yet. I use the words "YET" and "SKILL" intentionally to remind myself that since someone has done something, that means IT'S POSSIBLE.

The final step in this path toward social comparison with inspiration is to focus on what's in your control. Admittedly, I focused more on building my baseball skill set than educational grades. While I have a 4.0 in my doctoral program, my Bachelor's was a 2.9 (which was a feat as my first ever semester I got a 2.024; who knew you had actually to go to class in college and not just go to practice?). So, what's in my control? Well, I can still write a book (which will be published after finishing my doctorate; stay tuned for that!). I can continue to write more books afterward, too. So, let's focus on reading how to write books, how to become helpful with our words, and begin writing blogs to practice writing!

Social comparison with inspiration (since our social brain will react with comparison by default) and focusing on what's in your control are your new pathways to recovery. Let's learn some more skills to help you carve this new path.

P.S. If you’re struggling with criticizing yourself, check out last week’s blog for more info on how to shift to evaluation for growth instead of that harsh inner critic driving your anxiety.

How ACT Can Help Navigate Social Comparison

1. Cognitive Defusion: Detaching from Unhelpful Thoughts

A core principle of ACT is cognitive defusion, which teaches us to distance ourselves from unhelpful or distressing thoughts. Instead of getting caught up in the idea that "I'm not good enough" or "I'll never be as successful as them," ACT encourages us to see these thoughts for what they are: just thoughts, not facts.

When we engage in social comparison, we often believe the thoughts that arise as truth. For instance, seeing a friend's vacation photos might trigger the thought, "Their life is so much better than mine," which leads to feelings of inadequacy. Using cognitive defusion, we learn to notice these thoughts without getting entangled in them. We might respond by saying, "I'm having the thought that their life is better than mine," which creates a sense of separation from the thought itself.

2. Acceptance: Embracing Difficult Emotions

In ACT, acceptance means allowing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to exist without trying to avoid or eliminate them. Often, when we compare ourselves to others, we experience unpleasant emotions like envy, disappointment, or frustration. Instead of pushing these feelings away or pretending they don't exist, ACT encourages us to accept them as part of the human experience.

By practicing acceptance, we can respond to emotions such as insecurity with compassion rather than resistance. This acceptance isn't about giving up or resigning ourselves to feeling bad, but about making room for those feelings and continuing to live in alignment with our values despite them.

3. Values-Based Living: Shifting Focus from Comparison to Personal Growth

At the heart of ACT is the emphasis on **values**—deeply held beliefs about what truly matters to us. Social comparison often distracts us from our own values by focusing our attention on external benchmarks of success. Instead of letting our actions be dictated by how we measure up to others, ACT helps us reconnect with our core values, which act as our personal compass.

For example, if one of your core values is kindness, you can commit to being kind to others, regardless of whether you are as successful or admired as they are. If your value is personal growth, you can focus on improving yourself based on your standards rather than society's. By committing to actions that align with your values, you gradually reduce the grip that comparison has on your life.

When we are clear on our values, it becomes easier to step away from the trap of comparison. ACT invites us to ask questions like: *What do I want my life to stand for?* or *What would I do differently if I stopped worrying about how I compare to others?* Answering these questions can reorient our focus toward a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life.

4. Present Moment Awareness: Being Here, Not There

One of the six core processes in ACT is present-moment awareness or mindfulness. Social comparison tends to pull us out of the present moment and into the past or future—lamenting what we lack, fearing failure, or fantasizing about how life could be better if we were "more like them." Mindfulness, however, brings us back to the here and now.

Through mindfulness practice, we develop the ability to observe our thoughts, feelings, and sensations in the present moment without judgment. Instead of ruminating over someone else's success or appearance, mindfulness allows us to focus on what is happening within us right now. This simple shift can break the cycle of comparison and bring us back to living fully in the present.

Moving Beyond Comparison

Social comparison is not something that we can—or should—completely eliminate. It's natural to notice differences between ourselves and others. The goal is not to stop comparing, but to change our relationship with comparison to inspiration. ACT offers a powerful set of tools to help us notice when comparisons arise, defuse from negative thoughts, accept difficult emotions, and commit to actions that align with our values. By focusing on what matters most to us, we can move beyond comparison and toward a life filled with purpose and meaning.

In Summary:

- Defuse from comparison-based thoughts. Notice them without judgment.

- Accept the difficult feelings that come with social comparison.

- Reconnect with your values to guide your actions to inspiration instead of letting comparisons dictate your life.

- Practice present-moment awareness, anchoring yourself in the here and now with what's in your control rather than living in someone else's version of success.

Incorporating ACT principles into your life can help you navigate the inevitable comparisons with grace, resilience, and a deeper sense of self-worth. Instead of measuring yourself against others, you'll learn to measure your life against your own values, creating a more authentic and fulfilling path forward.

If you’re interested in learning more, feel free to email me what you’d like to learn, and I’ll either make it a blog post or respond to your question directly, whichever you prefer!

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