Can Avoiding Therapy Be Helpful, or Does Starting Help More?

I'm a social anxiety therapist in Allen, Texas. I want first to start addressing the fact that people can feel discouraged when thinking about avoiding therapy.  

As we delve into this discussion, it's crucial to set aside any judgment and resist the urge to evaluate your thoughts and feelings. Remember, your thoughts and feelings are valid and not to be judged. They may not be completely in your control, although your response always is. This understanding is key to our journey together. We'll also explore the risks of not seeking counseling later.

First, it's important to recognize the paradox you may be experiencing with the idea of delaying treatment. Research shows that the primary reason for avoiding therapy is stigma or shame. The irony is that to overcome the shame and stigma that prevent people from seeking and engaging in counseling, we have to talk about the experience of shame and stigma. Yet, talking about shame and stigma can bring attention to the uncomfortable experience of shame and stigma. This is a complex and often misunderstood dynamic that we can explore together.

Counseling avoidance is more common than seeking therapy.

Remember to take deep breaths and relax your muscles; no judgment here, just content. We can do three things with language: observe/describe, evaluate/judge, problem solve/critical thinking. Shame exists in the middle, and we can't always control that thought process.

Often, our experiences are more than just thoughts-they're 'felt experiences.' This means we physically feel the discomfort and, in most cases, need to focus and articulate these experiences. For instance, what tension do you feel when you 'cringe' after a social interaction? That's a 'felt experience' of social distress and shame. As a culture, we call it a cringe, yet really, it’s us curling inward to protect ourselves from the social threat.

What's neat is that we actually can think and talk about things without shaming ourselves. Try another deep breath, sit up tall (even if you're lying down right now, please try sitting up), and ask yourself this one question, yet answer without judgment or evaluating your reality, or jumping to problem-solve.

Remaining curious; what are two reasons you are avoiding therapy?

Beginning to overcome social anxiety or anything you're avoiding facing in therapy is an uncomfortable experience that, when we put it into words, is hard to express. To make things easier, our brain finds reasons to pursue safety. "I can't be judged if I don't try." “It’s just the way I am.”

Is this helping you, though? It may help you feel safer to kick the can further. Furthermore, the moment you close this browser and end your search for a therapist, you'll experience a bit of relief. That relief can become extended over time and reinforce a habit of avoidance.

So, avoiding therapy does help in the short term keep you safe from a potential threat; however, in the long run, it reinforces a pattern of avoidance and delays the healing you are searching for.

The reason most people delay getting support is self-protection from a perceived threat.

Maybe you have thoughts like, "I'm shy," "I don't like being around people," or "I don't talk to strangers." You are likely feeling accurately. Have you asked, without criticizing yourself, "Why don't I like being around people?" "Is this self-protection that's ironically hurting me?"

Those thoughts may bring you a reason for not attending therapy, yet they may not fully explain why avoidance occurs. For example, the background around "why am I nervous in social situations" could be the same exploration that makes you want to go to counseling. However, when you go to answer the question, you may experience resistance to treatment.

When we boil things down, the answers often relate to wanting to be safe. Safe from the possible judgment from the therapist. Safe from people finding out you go to counseling. Sometimes, we can be scared of failure and scared of success. So, instead of changing something, we think, "I don't want to be around people."

However, when are you most sad? What is it like to try to avoid feelings or to try to control your thoughts and feelings?

Perhaps a more profound concern is a worry of "What if the therapist thinks I'm crazy?" We can see a perceived threat in a potential negative evaluation leading to a delay in beginning treatment and a felt sense of shame that you are not worthy of connection if you go to get help.

AKA, the reason for going to counseling is not the reason for avoiding it. You can experience a dialectic (two seemingly opposing beliefs existing together) of I want to overcome social anxiety, and I'm scared that by asking for help, I may be judged. Yet, we have to risk rejection in search of connection.

How to overcome avoidance behavior.

Try beginning with a search for someone who practices acceptance and commitment therapy near me. A central tenant of acceptance and commitment therapy is positioning avoidance behavior as the issue, not you as a person.

It can be hard to separate yourself from your behavior as a person. We have a lot of social conditioning, saying, "Actions speak louder than words" or "Watch what people do, not what they say."

However, I'm more curious about the intent than the outcome. That means most therapists are more concerned with the "curious why" than the "what."

For example, the first question in my intake paperwork is how long they have been considering therapy. So far, the average is between 3 months to a year.

In the answer, I'm not focused on the reality of the delay, but it does help me understand the process of how engaging may have been challenging. It brings about more empathy and respect for the person reaching out, which leads to the final point: judgment.

Judgment is a roof to the house. Each room is a type of judgment that someone can do or experience.

One room is criticism, where we shame, blame, and shift responsibility to the other person; the best example is the scooby-doo villain's phrase, "I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids."

Another room is coaching, where we focus on specific skills and efforts to improve a task or game. The best example is... well, a coach! Your coach wants you to improve and get better. They are not saying you are defective or broken (unless they criticize you).

I encourage you to stay in the evaluation room when deciding to go to therapy. In evaluation, we practice the first thinking skills (observing and evaluating), yet still resist engaging in problem-solving. Try to gather some ideas to help you understand why you are avoiding therapy. Then, take those reasons and apply problem-solving to them.

For example, let's say you want to get help with depression, yet feel you cannot open up with a stranger. Let's stick with talking with a stranger and ask ourselves, at what point would they become not a stranger? How many sessions, or what feelings, would be present to show you something different? Then, through committed action, give that a shot and engage to see if your fears were as great in reality as they felt in theory.