Cringe Less, Grow More: Why Your Embarrassing Moments Matter
We've all been there. That moment when you look back on something you've done or said, and suddenly, a wave of embarrassment washes over you. Your body tenses, maybe you wince, and your face might even flush a little. Perhaps it's a big one, and you end up doing an actual crunch with an exasperated grunt/let's be honest: muted scream is the best definition for that moment. But what exactly is cringing, and why does it seem to haunt us at the most random times?
To be clear, there are two types of cringing.
1) we see someone else doing something embarrassing, called "vicarious disgust."
2) We recall mistakes we've made and feel a powerful rush of emotion.
I'm focusing on the latter of these (2) cringes.
Let's explore why we cringe and how we can learn to embrace it—and maybe even grow from it.
What Is Cringing?
Cringing is that uneasy feeling of embarrassment that can happen when we reflect on our own past behaviors. From bad dance moves at a party to awkward conversations at work, we've all had those moments that make us internally scream, "Why did I do that?!"
But cringing isn't just a modern phenomenon tied to awkward social moments or viral internet fails. It's actually rooted in our psychology and social awareness.
Cringing is a style of thinking called "rumination." Rumination happens in anticipation of an event (worry and anxiety) and after an event (self-criticism and cringing). Cringing exists in "post-event rumination," often from when we experience the spotlight effect. At that moment, we feel everyone is watching and documenting what they see us doing to recall and gossip about later. When we remember it later as we wrestle to fall asleep, we believe they are judging that moment.
For people with social anxiety, cringing doesn't go away simply because someone reminds us that "oh, they're not really thinking that," or worse, "you're the only one remembering that moment." Ending the cycle of cringing will involve two important steps.
1) Relax your muscles and remind yourself that you are safe in the present moment.
2) While your muscles are relaxed, remember that moment again, but keep your muscles relaxed so you can repair the moment in your brain.
Over time, you'll begin to recall mistakes you've made without the rush of embarrassment. It's not a quick fix, although it's the only one I've found to be effective for myself and my clients.
Why Do We Cringe?
At its core, cringing is a self-conscious reaction. It's how our brains signal that something about a situation, memory, or social interaction feels off. There are a few reasons we experience this:
Heightened self-awareness: As we grow older or more socially aware, we start recognizing behaviors or past actions that might not align with who we are now. This awareness is part of why we cringe at old Facebook posts or childhood fashion choices. We're basically saying, "I can't believe I thought that was cool!"
Fear of social judgment: Cringing often stems from our desire to fit in or be accepted. When we recall a moment that feels socially awkward or out of place, we're cringing at the thought that others might have judged us negatively. It's like our brain's way of saying, "Note to self: Don't do that again."
Empathy overload: Ever watch a scene in a movie or TV show where someone does something incredibly awkward, and you can't help but feel embarrassed for them? That's secondhand cringe. Our empathetic nature kicks in, and even though we aren't personally involved, we feel their discomfort as if it were our own.
The Upside of Cringing
Believe it or not, cringing isn't all bad. In fact, it can actually be a sign of personal growth! When we cringe at something we did or said in the past, it means we've evolved. What was once a part of our personality or behavior no longer fits, and that discomfort signals that we're in a different place now. It can also help us prepare and grow for future interactions that will be similar.
Here's how cringing can actually benefit you:
It highlights personal growth: The fact that something you did in the past makes you cringe today means you've learned from it. Cringing shows that you've developed new perspectives and grown as a person.
It builds resilience: Learning to laugh at yourself or shake off cringe-worthy moments helps build emotional resilience. The more you experience and process these moments, the more you realize that awkwardness isn't the end of the world.
It strengthens empathy: Cringe moments—both ours and others'—help us develop a deeper understanding of human vulnerability. Recognizing that everyone has awkward moments makes us more compassionate toward ourselves and others.
How to Embrace the Cringe
Remember to repair your response (relax and remember) to cringes before you try these next skills. Instead of avoiding those cringeworthy moments, here are some ways to embrace them:
Laugh it off: One of the best ways to defuse the power of a cringe moment is to laugh about it. Humor makes it easier to accept our imperfections and not take ourselves too seriously.
Reframe the moment: Shift your perspective. Instead of seeing a cringe moment as an embarrassment, view it as a learning experience or an example of how far you've come.
Let it go: A lot of times, the things we cringe feel very important to us. However, it retrospect, our inner critic may be at work making this moment more catastrophic than it was in reality. What seems like a huge blunder in your mind might not even register on someone else's radar. So, cut yourself some slack and practice self-compassion.
Final Thoughts
Cringe is part of the human experience. It's messy, awkward, and uncomfortable—but it's also a sign that you're human, growing, and learning. So the next time you find yourself cringing at something from the past, remember: it's just your brain reminding you how far you've come. Embrace it, laugh it off, and keep moving forward.
After all, the best stories are the ones that make us cringe a little!