Shy or Anxious? A Not-So-Scary Guide to Telling the Difference
Shy vs. Social Anxiety
Ever walked into a room and thought, "Yeah, I don't want to be here." Same. But is that your inner shy person talking, or something more? Let's untangle the difference between being shy and having social anxiety – no shame allowed here, only curious minds!
The Shy Person's Guide to Being Shy
Think of shyness as being like that friend who takes a while to warm up at parties. Feeling reserved or hesitant in new social situations is a natural tendency. Shy people might:
- Take time to open up (but eventually do)
- Feel nervous but can push through it
- Still enjoy social activities once comfortable
- Recover quickly from social interactions
- They may even be extroverts who get energized by social connection
Social Anxiety: When Your Brain Goes Full-Time Online Critic
Social anxiety, on the other hand, is like having an overenthusiastic security system in your mind that treats every social interaction like a potential threat. It typically involves:
- Intense fear of judgment or scrutiny
- Physical symptoms (racing heart, sweating, blushing)
- Avoidance of social situations
- Social avoidance = excuses/last-minute cancellations because the dogs are sick
- Behavioral avoidance = limited eye contact, not using the restroom, or not accepting water and snacks at a meeting with new people.
- Persistent worry before and after social events
- Pre-event Rumination = worry, procrastination, perfectionistic expectations, catastrophizing, avoidance of problem-solving. When stuck here, ask, "How would I cope with that if that scenario happened?" Be mindful of overanalyzing, though. Focus on the facts and simplify if necessary, "What's the first thing I would do if _____ happened."
- Post-event Rumination = criticism, shaming, and perfectionistic thoughts; the inner critic is really scrutinizing the mistakes, missed opportunities, and fears of people changing how they see you or gossiping about you. When hooked onto these thinking patterns, try to shift your perspective of time. What that means is to think back over time at the growth you've made. Practice defusion: "I'm having the thought that people don't like me," or "I'm noticing the feeling of loneliness." Separating the experience with words allows us to see this pain is temporary. If you're feeling like you want to help yourself, use this energy to role-play a new scenario: "If I could live this moment over again, I would do _____ differently."
The Plot Twist
Here's the funny thing – you can be shy without having social anxiety, have social anxiety without being shy, both, or neither! It's like picking toppings for your personality pizza (p.s. I know you don't choose either).
When to Seek Support
While shyness is a personality trait that doesn't necessarily need "fixing," social anxiety can significantly impact your daily life. If social situations are causing you intense distress or preventing you from doing things you want to do, talking to a mental health professional can be incredibly helpful.
The top two most effective therapeutic styles are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Exposure and Response Prevention and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Be sure to ask your therapist if they're knowledgeable about either and to incorporate it into your therapy.
Commonly, people want to start a business, get a job, or go to trade school/college, but fears of judgment get in the way. People with social anxiety are about 80% less likely to go to graduate school. This makes total sense if you consider social anxiety to be a fear of negative evaluation; what is a test grade or feedback on an essay?
There are also anticipated social experiences like parties, orientation, or groups to join that pose potential opportunities to grow from social anxiety, yet without treatment, feel like fixed cement blocks stopping you from advancing your quality of life.
It's okay to start something new from wherever you are today. In my grad school, plenty of people were changing careers in their 40s and 50s, and one gentleman in his 60s had a strong passion for helping people overcome addiction, as he had. "Too late" is a limiting belief based on fear of negative evaluation. You control your life, not that voice in your head that sounds like you. Breaking this mental barrier is a brave first step you can start right now. To get professional support, schedule your strategy call today.
The Takeaway
Whether you're shy, dealing with social anxiety, or just wondering why you'd rather text than call, remember: there's nothing wrong with being introverted, shy, or needing extra support. The real goal isn't to become the life of the party – it's to feel comfortable being yourself, whatever that looks like.