Why Social Anxiety Dominates... Unmasking the Grip of Social Anxiety: Pathways to Cultivating Genuine Social Ease
What is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety is a spectrum of severity, from anxiousness when ordering food or a coffee to debilitating dread, which makes leaving the house for the grocery store daunting. People can be shy without social anxiety. People can experience social anxiety (approximately 60% of the US population) without it being a disorder. Some people (approximately 7% of the US population) will experience severe social anxiety to the point of meeting the criteria for social anxiety disorder.
Social anxiety is the brain interpreting a threat to social survival.
Often, this comes in two forms, once as a "pre-event rumination," also called "worry." Specific worries relate to being uncomfortable being noticed, evaluated critically or harshly. The worry is a subjective experience, which means it's not logical, and it's up to you to decide the severity. Saying, "Oh, just don't worry about what people think," rarely solves the social worry.
The second form is "post-event rumination," also experienced as "cringing." The cringing can be a physical crunch type with an exasperated breath/scream. The cringing can also be a harsh internal dialogue. Regardless of the physical or internal (or both) form of cringing, the core of the experience is us finding the mistakes we made from socializing. This can be a party yesterday, an awkward comment at the park or grocery store, or cringing from that one comment you made to your friend while you were in the cafeteria 10 years ago.
Social anxiety tends to be related to anticipating criticism, and our brains use social anxiety to help us survive. Yet, in that pursuit of survival, we tend to become overly critical and lower our quality of life.
For a deeper explanation for what it’s like to experience social anxiety: Click here.
For a deeper explanation of the causes of social anxiety, Click here.
So, why does this keep happening?
My best and current understanding of why social anxiety continues to be a pattern comes from theory and experience.
Relational Frame Theory/Derived Relational Responding
The science world likes to flip terms around, which makes things sound fancy, catchy, sophisticated, and confusing. In a very oversimplified explanation, we can switch the relational frame around to a frame of relationships to see what it means.
Just like a picture frame holds an image, words, etc., we have psychological frames that hold relationships or connections to things. For example, what image comes to mind when you think about a "car"? What do cars do? You used a frame of connections between the word "car" and the "type of car" and "driving" in your mind without being in or seeing a car. Aka, if you thought of a black sedan driving on the highway, you have a relational frame of car -> black sedan -> highway driving.
For social anxiety, we hold a relational frame (frame of connections) specific to socializing: socialization -> criticism -> shame. For example, with the car, a black sedan, highway driving was automatically connected; socializing connected to being criticized, which connected to feeling not good enough, broken, or having character flaws (awkward, weird, etc.).
Well, that explains why I automatically think I'll experience shame when I think of doing something social, but why does it keep happening if I logically know that even if someone criticizes me, I'm still good enough and worthy of holding space in our world?
My Favorite Puzzle
This is the puzzle I'm working on in the final stage of my doctorate in psychology degree. So far, research can show that experiential avoidance (again, flip this, and it explains what it is "avoiding experiences") and overt avoidance (not socializing) will make social anxiety more intense over time. However, research also shows that your level of anxiety is not related to the amount of avoidance.
So, on a day that you choose to avoid something that creates a feeling of fear, you will feel relief, not more anxiety for avoiding it. However, the next event you're challenged to go to will prompt more anxiety and a stronger desire to avoid since you showed your brain it doesn't have to do the hard thing and risk feeling shame.
So, let's continue the path from before for a moment with what's called "derived relational responding," which means connecting unconnected things. Let's assume simplicity for a moment and use two relational frames.
socializing -> criticism -> shame
fear -> avoidance -> relief
Connecting 1 to 2 lets us see a logical path for a single event.
Example: holiday party -> family judgment -> "I don't belong." -> feeling fearful of judgment -> "Ugh, do I have to go?" -> "Nah, skip this one; you can go next year; just say you're sick." Relief.
However, next year: holiday party -> family judgment -> "I don't belong, plus I may have to explain why I didn't go this year" -> "What if they make fun of me for not going last year?" -> "Ugh, do I have to go?" -> ...... hmmmm.... what do you think the brain wants to do now?
A Path Forward
I wish I had a better answer for you. I wish I could tell you reading this blog will get rid of your social anxiety. Yet, overcoming social anxiety will require you to change your relational frame and pair it with a new connection to fear -> approach -> overcome.
We don't have to like reality; however, we can't fight it if we want to change it, so let me ask you a few questions.
What would it be like to discover social ease? To be in public or at a party and ENJOY the occasion while it's happening, then go home without cringing about each "mistake" you nitpick while you struggle to sleep?
How long have you been living with this nearly constant anxiety, wondering if people like you? How much effort have you put into trying to be just like everyone else, who seems to breeze through conversations like a warm knife through butter? Are you tired of not feeling good enough?
I've been there, and I've learned to thrive with social anxiety. Not only personal growth, I've focused my efforts on helping my clients learn to thrive with social anxiety, too. I'm dedicating my entire dissertation to increasing awareness, demystifying the stigma, and getting the help people deserve.
It's time for a change.
In my office hangs a sign my big sister gave me when I opened my practice. She and my brother-in-law said the sign jumped at them: "This is Matt." It says, "Create the things you wish existed." (insert picture of sign).
I spent years trying to find a way around facing my fear of judgment. While several books can piece together all my work, I'm dedicating my efforts to filling the gap. I want to help you learn to thrive with social anxiety, too. I want to give you all the education, tools, and techniques you need to confidently and bravely end the avoidance and approach life with tenacity.
Here's a quick guide to understanding the voice that sounds like you in your head yet is actually your inner critic sabotaging your growth. This is the number one thing I wish people with social anxiety were more aware of. It's also the bit of education that resonates most with my clients and spurs the greatest behavioral motivation.
If you're read to BEGIN COUNSELING TODAY, you can use any of the scheduling buttons on my website to snag your Free 15-minute Phone Strategy Session.